Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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