Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
