I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
