She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
