i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
