How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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