Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize