Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Randomize