Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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