Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
