Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I feel like a drive thru vagina
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
