Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
