Michael Bay diarrhea
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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