The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
