i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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