phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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