there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
