Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
