I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
