yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
