12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
