Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize