She is in my trunk
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
time to smoke my breakfast
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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