how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
