At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
