why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
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