Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
