HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
