I murdered the dance floor call the cops
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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