the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize