The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
