Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
