if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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