Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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