I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
