i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
