they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Someone came in the potted fern
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
