why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
