I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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