i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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