i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
