Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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