Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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