Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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