i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
3pm strippers are depressing
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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