The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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