I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize