I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
