my phone needs a breathalizer
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
