Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
