you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
