rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
