You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
