come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
