I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
