its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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