she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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