Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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