Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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