last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
